My sweet nephew Porter asked me today if I got married in the temple. I told him that I’m not married yet but when I do get married it will be in the temple. He asked me why I’m not married yet and I told him I wasn’t old enough. I figured that was probably the easiest answer. It didn’t bother me that Porter asked of course, but someone else asked me that question the other day too--a 21 year old man in fact. And I've been asked the question before. I'm never sure what to say. Are people who ask that question looking for me to blame the stupid boys, or to say some self-destructive thing about what’s wrong with me? Of course blaming the boys is more fun, and blaming myself is more natural but completely untrue. Porter accepted my ‘I’m not old enough’ answer pretty quick so maybe I’ll use that one when other people ask me too.
Or maybe I’ll say something like, “I’m not married yet because I have an aggravated fear of abandonment and my hands are out of proportion with the rest of my body.” (Only Sandi will understand the joke-sorry everyone else). I mean come on, that’s like asking someone “why don’t you have any talents,” “why are you so bad at playing sports,” or “why is your sister a lot cooler than you?” All of these questions put a person in a position of either blaming themselves or someone else. Moral of the story: don’t ask a kid with a uni-brow why he has a uni-brow. It will either bring out pent up feelings of anger towards his parents and their gene pool-- causing him to curse his heritage, or it will remind the kid he’s ugly and weird because he has a uni-brow, and he’ll feel all sad and messed up. Just let the kid have a uni-brow and be content about it. Who knows, maybe one day he’ll discover tweezers and realize he may not be able to control the fact that he was born with a uni-brow, but he can pluck and tweeze and make his future a heck of a lot brighter.
True story: my friends Mallory, Celes, and I saw a guy in his mid-twenties at the temple with an honest to goodness uni-brow. He was married to a beautiful blonde girl and seemed quite happy. I bet she doesn’t even notice his eyebrow. 
Christmas Quilts 2017
6 years ago
8 comments:
I'm going to be chuckling about this all day.
Disproportionate hands! Pure genius! No WONDER I'm still single. I actually love it when people ask me that question because they get really uncomfortable when I respond. My most recent response: "The last guy I dated had a problem with my chain saw collection." I can't wait to try the hands one.
Uni-brows are sexy!
You don't need a "why I'm not married" excuse yet. I'm 25 and mine is "I'm just too awesome." So there's always that.
This is probably my favorite post of your so far. May I be blind to uni-brows from henceforth and forever.
Porter asked that because that's the only thing he gets about temples. In his mind, that's the only reason to go. Betsy and I go because we're married and someday he'll go to get married. When you came over that day I had told him you were going to the temple.
When somebody asks you why you're not married, does it have to be because you suck or the people you date suck? Is there really a person without flaws who has dated only flawed individuals, or a completely flawed person who has dated only perfect people? If I were an old maid and someone asked me this question, I would probably have said something like, "go stick your head in the garbage disposal you insensitive freak," but then I would think about how I was probably a little unprepared for long term commitment, a little too eager to do dangerous things (potential mates often don't like that), a little contemptuous of ignorance and stupidity, and then I would think about all the flaws of the people I had dated and feel like there was probably something we both could do to be more inclined to marriage.
Oh, and guarantee that girl notices his unibrow. He probably just makes a lot of money and so she doesn't say anything.
This isn't the first time you've compared yourself to a unibrowed person is it?
Abby, abby, abby, are you really leaving me? You know what, I'm just going to call you now.
P.S. you know how I love being spotlighted, that was awesome. Also, do you think that's why I'm not married? My mutant small hands?
What the?! Do you have a new number?
Abs!! I'm still 8013768516, call me! What do you do in the days, school, work? I need to see you, apparently we have LOTS to talk about.
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